Weird Dreams or Visions of the Future?

   I was reading through my first journal.  It didn't take long - it was only about 1/4 full, like most of my journals.  Throughout my marriage, I tried off and on to keep journals.  Just getting my thoughts out on paper helped me deal with them, sort through them.  There were no big revelations in them, no 'hey, I'm having an affair' type secrets recorded in them.  They were just for me. 
   Except Joe couldn't handle that.  Every time I would start another journal, as soon as Joe saw me with it, the pestering would begin.  "If you really loved me, you'd let me read it."  "Why can't I read it, if there's nothing in it?"  And so on, ad nauseum.  Looking back, I can see now that it was because of his need to control me.  If he didn't know what was in the journal, he wasn't in control.  And because there wasn't anything earth-shattering in them, I usually gave in.  But I always felt violated.  Why couldn't he just trust me?  I stupidly thought then that if I showed him the journals, he would see there was nothing in them, and the next time, he would trust me and leave me alone with my thoughts.  It never happened.
   Part of it was that I felt sorry for him, I suppose.  He had been the victim of incest as a child and I always assumed that he had trust issues because of it.  Now I can see that it went way beyond trust issues.  After 15 years of marriage and the subsequent horrendous divorce, I firmly believe that the childhood abuse he suffered caused him to grow up without the capability of empathy or compassion.   Oh, he can talk a good game, and most people would say Joe is one of the nicest men they've ever met.  But that's how people like Joe work.  Appearances are EVERYTHING.  It doesn't matter what's really going on behind closed doors, as long as it appears to everyone on the outside that everything is hunky-dory. 
   My last journal entry in the first journal is about a weird dream I had involving Joe. Joe wanted to have sex in a hotel room in front of a camera.  I refused.  (A definite vision of the future, but more about that later.)  Then it switched to Joe, naked, demanding that I light his genitalia on fire. The dream continued with Joe running around in the front yard of our house, with his own personal torch, yelling for all the neighbors to come see, because it didn't hurt.  Now, maybe I just ate some weird food combination before I went to bed that night.  Maybe my own psyche was somehow trying to warn me about Joe.  I don't know. 
   What I see now, looking back, is that the dream is classic Joe.  Making demands of me that I couldn't or didn't want to meet, usually sexual, and Joe's compulsive need to put his 'spin' on everything that happened in his life.  Joe could, and still can, convince himself that white is black.  You can have a recording of him saying something, let him hear it, and he will deny that it is him.  That's why people like Joe can so easily convince other people that what they say is true - because they have spent a lifetime lying to themselves.  They come off as sincere, because they have convinced themselves of their own lies.  They literally live in a dream world. 
   These days, I still occasionally dream about Joe.  The dreams are always of Joe leaving.

In the Beginning....

  I went back through my journals and found where it all started.  I was in college and trying to figure out what to do with my life.  I had opened a small retail store and wasn't sure what I wanted to do.  My friends had helped me set up the store and get it opened.  My future husband (let's call him Joe) was called by my friends to help.  We hit it off and began dating.
  After about a year of dating, things started to get serious, at least for me.  I was in love with Joe.  And after reading a few entries, I come across one where Joe demanded to read my journal.  So I let him.  After that, I didn't write in it for almost 3 months.  It wasn't private anymore.  I tried to make the best of it for a while, but eventually gave up writing in it.
  Reading back through some of the entries, I'm struck by how certain things in my life repeat.  From the beginning with Joe, he didn't want anything in my life that he didn't know about.  During the entirety of our marriage, I tried to keep journals off and on.  Joe couldn't stand it, and I usually ended up giving in and letting him read them.  There was nothing in them, just private thoughts and musings, but after letting him read them, I always felt somehow violated.  A prime example of his emotional abuse - I was allowed no privacy. I didn't see it that way then, of course. 
  If you are with someone who allows you no privacy, even in your thoughts - run!! 
 

Follow Me

I hope to chronicle my journey through an emotionally abusive marriage and my divorce.  Throughout most of the marriage, I kept journals, entries from which I plan to post and then discuss from my perspective now.  I find it strange to think that I couldn't see then what I see so clearly now.  I had no experience with divorce and had no idea how far things could go.  Follow me on my journey through the recollections, hardships, good times, and bad times, to the person I am today, and the person I hope to become. 

Although this is a personal journey, I invite you to come along.  Maybe you will see yourself (I hope not).  Maybe you will see someone you know.  I was one of those women who never thought it could happen to me.  It did.  And for many years, I was unaware of it.  I've done research and haven't found anyone in my particular situation.  I'd like to think I can't be the only one.  So, please, comment, review, critique, and ease my mind that I am not alone.  Finally -
                                 
                              Eyem Phree